"You are slowly dying if you do not travel, if you do not read...if you kill your self-esteem...if you stay in a job that doesn't make you happy...if you do not break from your routine..."

I read this writing from Pablo Neruda this morning. A friend posted it on Facebook. It brought me to tears because it speaks to me so closely.

Since I moved to Jersey City I've had a difficult time making friends. My self-esteem is at an all time low. I have no confidence in my abilities. I have gifts to give to the world, and yet I feel stunted and unable to move. Even after acupuncture school I haven't made the transition from my job into a full time acupuncture practice. I have felt stuck for years. Life is changing all around me, but I have not changed. I believe there is a plan for me, but I can't reach it.

I cannot move. I am not growing. I am in a total rut. This is my confession to the world. I'm scared of change. The pastor of my church says, "do not be afraid." The truth is I am afraid. I'm afraid I could lose everything if I risk changing. But things are changing around me. The cats that I have cared for are slowing dying off. My husband and I had to put our cat down this summer. I love summer, but this one hasn't been much fun.

We have a new cat, so that's different. But that's about it. Life is passing before my eyes. It's too short to live this way. Something has to give or I will die without fulfilling my dreams. So much time has been wasted worrying and being afraid.

Magic and Loss

Lou Reed put out a song over twenty years ago called Magic & Loss. It says, "there's a little bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out."

I moved into my apartment ten years ago with my husband. In the back yard and alley there were always cats. My landlord told me not to feed them, as it is illegal in Jersey City. After a couple of years a small, medium haired calico with white paws and chest showed up in my back yard. She would stay crouched in the back of the yard on top of a container box that I had. She would back away from any approach from me. I started putting down a handful of food for her by her spot. Eventually she got used to me.

The feeding became more of a ritual and I started going out to my back yard and the alley behind my yard for regular feedings morning and evening; there were cats in the alley that a woman was feeding at night, but I wanted to help. There were other cats around, sometimes ten or more, including a tom that warmed up to my girl, who I named Kitty Girl (terrible name, I know). She would circle my legs like cats do. She became more and more comfortable with me and I would pet here head and stroke her back. I slowly tried picking her up and she fought me at first and I would immediately let go. She became more used to it until finally she let me hold her. I would cuddle with her and kiss her head. We became a "couple."

My ritual turned into a routine; I started setting my alarm for 5:30 am to get up and feed. Kitty Girl would be waiting for me on my neighbor's stoop, anticipating my appearance. She would hop like a rabbit down the side of the house. Eventually I started calling her Bunny. This turned into mutual affection and each day would begin with me embracing her, she giving me head butts as I bent down to dole out the food. It wasn't just for the food though. I would go out at different times during the day, and while she wasn't always in the mood to be pet, most of the time she was game.

We had a relationship.

Three weeks ago a storm was predicted to go through. I rushed to the back of the house to feed everyone before the storm hit. Bunny had survived all sorts of storms, including blizzards since I had the cat houses that I put out, tarped with plenty of cover for her plus more. Unknown to me at the time, my neighbor would let her stay in his garage if the weather was really bad. At any rate the storm came through with a lot of rain and I didn't think a thing about it.

The next morning I strolled out the back yard at 6:00 am for the usual feeding. She wasn't there to great me at the door. I walked back and she wasn't in the yard. This had happened a couple of times before, so I wasn't terribly worried. Then she wasn't there that evening. Okay, that isn't completely abnormal. Then day after day passed and she wasn't there. A week passed and I was a wreck. In all these years she was always there. Always.

Now it's been three weeks.  At the two week mark I sobbed like my world was ending. For all intents and purposes it had ended. My morning nuzzle and rush of oxytocin was gone. My precious girl wasn't there to greet me. Another cat lived in the yard, but she obviously hadn't been treated well earlier in her life, so she would only hiss when I approached her. She couldn't tell me where Bunny was. The pain was enormous. Where was she? I missed her so much!

My feelings were the same as if I'd had a bad breakup. I was heartbroken. My beautiful girl was gone and we didn't get to say goodbye! Terrible, just terrible.

It has been three weeks today and I've teared up more than once. The magic was our bond. Bonding with animals is a special thing and we had it for certain. Of course the loss is that she isn't here for me to love and be loved. It's no different than losing a friend or a lover. The feelings of grief and loss exist just the same. I'm going through stages; bargaining, sobbing, thinking, "okay, someone probably has her since I haven't found her body anywhere." So it's good for about a day or so, then the feelings come flooding back in just the right moment. It's a hole in my heart. I have to go through this in order to heal. Everyone says she may come back and that they had a cat that disappeared, then reappeared several weeks later. Is there some magical kitty utopia that they wander off to that only cats can enter?

So here I am, still holding out hope that one day she will show up, but not holding my breath. If I never see her again I'll never forget her. One day I'll be okay with this. It's just a matter of when. 

Great article on practicing Mindful Meditation

http://www.lionsroar.com/introducing-thich-nhat-hanhs-five-mindfulness-trainings/?utm_content=buffer6e910&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=Pema+SIP

"Stress is the mother of all diseases."

An explicit description of how acupuncture works to disperse qi and relieve stress. Stress is at the root of many illnesses.

http://www.theroot.com/articles/culture/2016/04/minority_health_month_if_stress_is_blocking_your_qi_how_about_giving_acupuncture.html

Why I chose acupuncture

When I was 36 I was going through a lot; dealing with life in a metropolitan city, feeling like a speck in a sea of humanity, chronic pain from fibromyalgia, and a general angst in life. I had tried many things to relieve the anxiety and pain that I faced.
Then my doctor directed me to the clinic at Tri-State College of Acupuncture. Third year students treated patients as part of their training and the fee was right. With my first treatment I felt relief. I felt free from the angst, the pressure, the pain, all of the things that life had brought me to in the big city.
After several successful treatments I decided that I wanted to become an acupuncturist and help other people through their physical, mental, and spiritual imbalances. I had received care that went above and beyond what a doctor could offer. Acupuncture treats the whole person, not just the physical. The students spent time getting to know me, documenting everything that I was experiencing in life, not just physical symptoms.
The whole person is the focus of an acupuncture practice. When I treat people, I ask about how they spend their time, their emotional state, get a sense of what they are doing for their spiritual well being, as well as their physical symptoms. It goes much deeper than what lies on the surface.
I'm interested in the depth of my patients lives. Dedicating my life to helping people is what I strive to do and it all started with my own healing journey. It's sometimes difficult to explain, but I just want to spread the joy of what I experienced.