Magic and Loss

Lou Reed put out a song over twenty years ago called Magic & Loss. It says, "there's a little bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out."

I moved into my apartment ten years ago with my husband. In the back yard and alley there were always cats. My landlord told me not to feed them, as it is illegal in Jersey City. After a couple of years a small, medium haired calico with white paws and chest showed up in my back yard. She would stay crouched in the back of the yard on top of a container box that I had. She would back away from any approach from me. I started putting down a handful of food for her by her spot. Eventually she got used to me.

The feeding became more of a ritual and I started going out to my back yard and the alley behind my yard for regular feedings morning and evening; there were cats in the alley that a woman was feeding at night, but I wanted to help. There were other cats around, sometimes ten or more, including a tom that warmed up to my girl, who I named Kitty Girl (terrible name, I know). She would circle my legs like cats do. She became more and more comfortable with me and I would pet here head and stroke her back. I slowly tried picking her up and she fought me at first and I would immediately let go. She became more used to it until finally she let me hold her. I would cuddle with her and kiss her head. We became a "couple."

My ritual turned into a routine; I started setting my alarm for 5:30 am to get up and feed. Kitty Girl would be waiting for me on my neighbor's stoop, anticipating my appearance. She would hop like a rabbit down the side of the house. Eventually I started calling her Bunny. This turned into mutual affection and each day would begin with me embracing her, she giving me head butts as I bent down to dole out the food. It wasn't just for the food though. I would go out at different times during the day, and while she wasn't always in the mood to be pet, most of the time she was game.

We had a relationship.

Three weeks ago a storm was predicted to go through. I rushed to the back of the house to feed everyone before the storm hit. Bunny had survived all sorts of storms, including blizzards since I had the cat houses that I put out, tarped with plenty of cover for her plus more. Unknown to me at the time, my neighbor would let her stay in his garage if the weather was really bad. At any rate the storm came through with a lot of rain and I didn't think a thing about it.

The next morning I strolled out the back yard at 6:00 am for the usual feeding. She wasn't there to great me at the door. I walked back and she wasn't in the yard. This had happened a couple of times before, so I wasn't terribly worried. Then she wasn't there that evening. Okay, that isn't completely abnormal. Then day after day passed and she wasn't there. A week passed and I was a wreck. In all these years she was always there. Always.

Now it's been three weeks.  At the two week mark I sobbed like my world was ending. For all intents and purposes it had ended. My morning nuzzle and rush of oxytocin was gone. My precious girl wasn't there to greet me. Another cat lived in the yard, but she obviously hadn't been treated well earlier in her life, so she would only hiss when I approached her. She couldn't tell me where Bunny was. The pain was enormous. Where was she? I missed her so much!

My feelings were the same as if I'd had a bad breakup. I was heartbroken. My beautiful girl was gone and we didn't get to say goodbye! Terrible, just terrible.

It has been three weeks today and I've teared up more than once. The magic was our bond. Bonding with animals is a special thing and we had it for certain. Of course the loss is that she isn't here for me to love and be loved. It's no different than losing a friend or a lover. The feelings of grief and loss exist just the same. I'm going through stages; bargaining, sobbing, thinking, "okay, someone probably has her since I haven't found her body anywhere." So it's good for about a day or so, then the feelings come flooding back in just the right moment. It's a hole in my heart. I have to go through this in order to heal. Everyone says she may come back and that they had a cat that disappeared, then reappeared several weeks later. Is there some magical kitty utopia that they wander off to that only cats can enter?

So here I am, still holding out hope that one day she will show up, but not holding my breath. If I never see her again I'll never forget her. One day I'll be okay with this. It's just a matter of when. 

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