"You are slowly dying if you do not travel, if you do not read...if you kill your self-esteem...if you stay in a job that doesn't make you happy...if you do not break from your routine..."

I read this writing from Pablo Neruda this morning. A friend posted it on Facebook. It brought me to tears because it speaks to me so closely.

Since I moved to Jersey City I've had a difficult time making friends. My self-esteem is at an all time low. I have no confidence in my abilities. I have gifts to give to the world, and yet I feel stunted and unable to move. Even after acupuncture school I haven't made the transition from my job into a full time acupuncture practice. I have felt stuck for years. Life is changing all around me, but I have not changed. I believe there is a plan for me, but I can't reach it.

I cannot move. I am not growing. I am in a total rut. This is my confession to the world. I'm scared of change. The pastor of my church says, "do not be afraid." The truth is I am afraid. I'm afraid I could lose everything if I risk changing. But things are changing around me. The cats that I have cared for are slowing dying off. My husband and I had to put our cat down this summer. I love summer, but this one hasn't been much fun.

We have a new cat, so that's different. But that's about it. Life is passing before my eyes. It's too short to live this way. Something has to give or I will die without fulfilling my dreams. So much time has been wasted worrying and being afraid.