late night rumination

tonight my mind is swirling with so many thoughts I just can't sleep. so, I've poured a glass of wine to soothe myself. I'm thinking of the things that make my life special and about being lucky to survive in a city that is hard, often crusty, and tough as nails.
when I first moved to Jersey City, to work in NYC, I was not afraid of the tough road that may lay ahead. I don't think I realized what was in store.
since I've lived here, I've acquired a stable job. a place that I can count on to provide stability and structure in my bipolar state. it was difficult to get used to the groove, but I've come a long way and have a tough hide because of it.
I've also had the opportunity to learn a skill that will help people lead healthier lives. my experience in acupuncture school was challenging, but I'm all the better for it. I've been successful in facilitating the healing process for people that have suffered through pain and discomfort. I'm forever grateful for the challenging experience and look forward to the progression of my profession and helping more and more people as I live and grow.
my relationship with my husband has never been stronger. the transformation of moving from one part of the country to another has not always been easy on us. he has shown me what unconditional love is and I know he would do anything for me, as I would him. it's been an important and sustaining part of my life that will last forever.
I've experienced the joy of volunteering to help animals at my local shelter. it is definitely not easy to see homeless animals waiting for permanent homes. but, I know that my presence and love for them makes their lives better. I've found homes for animals and rejoiced in knowing that I've facilitated happiness and love in their lives. I have homeless animals in my back yard that need someone to care and nourish them. I feel privileged to be one of those that helps them and brings them comfort in their difficult lives.

this Thanksgiving holiday everyone pronounces what they are grateful for. while I can't always see the goodness beyond the gloom, I know I have so much to be thankful for and so much more to give in this life.

suffering is part of life. being mindful of the suffering of others and doing all that I can to relieve that suffering gives me great purpose. being one that is fortunate, I have nothing left to do but give and continue giving as long as I am capable. I thank the universe for giving me this gift. I'm forever grateful and feel a great sense of love within. love that can only continue to grow and overcome any obstacle. bless us all.

Dwelling

One description for dwelling is a house or structure to live in. Another is to focus on one thing, allowing it to take over thoughts and emotion. One dwells in the obsession of the object, event, or thought. I've been a dweller most of my life. It's a killer and a good way to create a house of pain within the mind. Depression can ensue from this. But, depression is also described as anger turned inward.
I once read some q&a from Yoko Ono which she does through her website each Friday. She answers everything and many people asked about how to combat their depression and pain. She said to find something you love to do or create and do it. Enrich yourself with the things you love to do and you can transform.
Pain and struggle transforms into wisdom and can one can come through it stronger and better. The trick is to keep trying and never to give up.

These days

Hearing words expressed by small people still hurt and get to the best of us. I have been fluctuating between normalcy and depression. The depression manifests in the morning most of the time. I try to combat it with my medications, but many times they are useless. I've gotten away from my meditation and Qi gong practice to my chagrin. I do, however, fill my life with volunteer work at an animal shelter, have a few patients, and still have my regular job, which I find unsatisfying. The job, not the other stuff. I'm human. I struggle. When someone says I'm stupid or I am never happy, it only reinforces the sadness and low self esteem I continue to feel. I've decided not to return to a place where I'm constantly torn down. It's self destructive and I don't need it in my life anymore.